Every year Harding University puts on a huge song and dance extravaganza called "Spring Sing." I was fascinated by the concept from the moment I first saw it - hundreds of students singing parody songs while doing something akin to dancing, complete with sprays of prepackaged confetti. Who wouldn't want to be involved in something like that? So I tried to write up a few shows of my own, and you can find them here, because nobody has ever actually done anything with them. Two of the songs from Bowling made into a Shantih show the spring of 2004, but nobody noticed.

The Complete Old Testament (Abridged) | Welcome Freshmen | Bowling

The Complete Old Testament (Abridged)

Abraham is alone in front of the curtain. As he sings, he is joined by Sarah and Isaac.

ABRAHAM'S INTRO
(Tune: Beverly Hillbillie's Theme)

Now listen to a story 'bout a man named Abe,
Hunnert' years old, and he'd never had a babe,
But then one day, got a message from the Lord
Said we's gonna have a son, and the family was floored! (Sarah laughs, falls over)

Isaac, that is. Circumcision, Judaism.

The Complete History of Israel, Abridged!

The chorus is broken by the coming of the Egyptians, who set them to slave tasks.

MY SUBJUGATION
(Tune: "My Generation" by the Who)

Moses: Egypt tries to put us down!
Chorus: (Talkin' 'bout my subjugation)
Moses: Drivin' us into the ground
Chorus: (Talkin' 'bout my subjugation)
Moses: The sun is hot, the labor stinks
Chorus: (Talkin' 'bout my subjugation)
Moses: And dang it, we won't build that Sphinx!
Chorus: (Talkin' 'bout my subjugation)
Moses: This is my subjugation, this is my subjugation, baby...

Pharaoh shows up, Moses confronts him. (If you want to do the version from The Wonder Years, he could pull out some sunglasses and sit at a piano for this. Plagues should occur somehow as he sings)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY GOD
(Tune: "With a Little Help from My Friends" by the Beatles)

Would you relent if God sent a few plagues,
You know, some gnats, or locusts, frogs or flies?
What if God pelted your country with hail?
And maybe caused your first-born son's demise?

Oh we're set free with a little help from our God
Oh we get out with a little help from our God
Oh we get by with a little help from our God

The Israelites start packing up to go.

PROMISED LAND
(Tune: "Danger Zone" from Top Gun)

Hey, we've been passed over, break out all the bread, no yeast
Throw some bitter herbs on, kill a lamb and call it feast
We're off to the Promised Land!
Gonna take us right into the Promised Land!

They head off, waving good-bye to the Egyptians. Moses stops them with, "Hold up," holding the Ten Commandments. He prepares to read them the Law. The Israelites back him up as he sings with the "doo doo" stuff.

ONLY LAW
(Tune: "Only Truth" by Acapella)

If you listen carefully I'll tell you what - huh?

(Everyone laughs, them music starts. Dance begins, chorus chimes in backup lyrics)

If you listen carefully I'll tell you what the Lord Jehovah said
It's the law you need to follow so you better get it jammed into your head.
It is the law! It is nothin' but the law, better follow it well
It is the law! Better heed the law or he'll throw you in **cough**

If your bull has gored somebody you won't be responsible right then
Unless it's in the habit and you haven't kept it locked inside its pen
Thou shalt not murder, covet, or eat things that don't, chew the cud with split-hooves
Or we will stone you, because if you break the law, then we'll have to reprove

Moses: So, how 'bout it? Isrealites: Nah.

STIFF-NECKED
(Tune: "Crazy" by Britney Spears)

Because we're stiff-necked
Think we're always right
Push us, pull us every which-way
We will fight!
Because we're stiff-necked
Whining's the way to go!
If we don't like what you say
We'll let you know

As the Israelites dance, they bring out a golden calf. Moses looks at it, goes "Nuh-uh" and wheels it off, exiting the stage. They arrive at the Promised Land.

IN THE LAND
(Tune: "In the Light" by DC Talk)

And now we've come to the land
The milk and honey land
We're gonna cross o'er the Jordan and take over
But we don't have the faith
To get it right the first time
But at least we made it to the land

The Israelites fall into confusion. Saul appears, looking around innocently.

SAUL AND DAVID
(Tune: "Belle" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)

God's not enough, we need a king to rule us!
Hey! That guy's handsome and he's tall!
Height is just the sort of thing
That would make a perfect king!
Who needs a God when you can have a Saul?

Silly girls: as handsome young David struts onto the scene)
Look there - he goes - so dark and ruddy!
That Da - vid boy - just hear him sing!
He fights - his ba - ttles extra bloody!
He's such a youthful, strong and handsome king!

Saul leaves in a huff while David begins a dance solo.

DAVID'S DANCE
(Tune: "Everybody Dance Now")

Chorus: Dance before the Lord now!

The party is ruined by Isaiah and his prophet friends, holding signs saying "The End of the World is Near, etc." Ominous music plays as they solemnly take center stage. Suddenly, they sing and dance (duh). As they dance, half of the stage is taken by the Assyrians (with a very loud sign saying Assyria ) and later, the other half is captured by a large army with signs saying "Babylon."

DOOM
(Tune: "Shout")

God is gettin' on some DOOM!
Bring Assyria and DOOM!
Also Babylon and DOOM!
Down with Israel! DOOM!
Come on now, the Lord is makin' it happen now.
So get out now before the Doom.
Yee-ee-aahh...

At the end, only a small fraction remain, looking frightened. Isaiah and his wife take the stage. Isaiah: "Take it, Mrs. Isaiah!"

REMNANT
(Tune: "Respect" by Aretha Franklin)

Ooo, they got took (oo)
To the Euphrates (oo)
It's worse than (oo)
Livin' in Hades (oo)
All I want God to do (oo) for us
Is keep a few 'round when they come home (re, re, re ,re)
Yeah baby (re, re, re ,re)
Prophesy it! (remnant, just a remnant)
When they come home, now (just a remnant)

R-e-m-n-a-n-t! Find out what it means to me!
R-e-m-n-a-n-t! Find out what it means to me!
Sock it to me, sock it to me, etc.

The chorus slowly returns while singing the next song. The temple backdrop is revealed behind. Everybody returns and joins hand in hand for the grand finale.

SEMI-BLESSED KIND OF LIFE
(Tune: "Semi-Charmed Kind of Life" by every cover band in history, and Third Eye Blind )

We're back but we're sinnin'
We made it, we built it, rebuilt it
We live for Him
(We say we live for Him)
Disparage
Our new intermarriage
We turn 'round and turn our backs on Him
And we gotta stop
Turn around again.
Do ever what we wanna do
If we wanna do
Keep on sinnin', all we go through's
Our fault for the awful things that we choose
And he speaks to us like the children that we are
Telling us we're sinnin' and we're goin' way too far
Goin' to repent now, shave our heads
Or else we'll be struck dead, we said:

All we need is God
To get us through this!
Semi-blessed kind of life. Yahweh, yahweh.
All we have is God.
We're not kidding when we say
Good-bye!

Welcome Freshmen

THE SEARCH FOR A WIFE
("Circle of Life" from Disney's The Lion King, John/Rice)

A freshman comes out from behind the curtains. He is wearing a faded pink shirt with a hole in the shoulder the shape of an iron. He takes out a cell phone and suddenly yells into it:

FRESHMAN: Mooooooooom! I did laundry! And my clothes are now pink!

Behind him, African chanters finish the phrase. He looks around at the mysterious voices for a moment, and then continues.

FRESHMAN: Moooooooooom! I tried to iron! And my clothes are now burnt!
(And they're still wrinkled!)

The chanters finish up as the curtain rises behind him to reveal the FRESHMAN CHORUS, ready to continue the song.

CHORUS: From the day we arrive on the campus,
And try on a new pair of jeans,
There is more to wash than can ever be washed!
More to clean than ever be cleaned!

You're used to mom doing laundry.
Now she's gone, and you don't have a clue.
But if you find a wife, she can end all your strife!
She can do all your laundry for you!

It's the search for a wife!
It's the endless dating!
Through despair and hope,
Through all your cash,
'Til we find our place
On a whitewashed swingset!
It's the search... the search for a wife!

NO DCB
("YMCA" by The Village People)

CHORUS: Freshmen! You want a burger with cheese!
I said freshmen! You want a Mountain Dew Freeze!
I said freshmen! You get tired of the caf!
But you can't eat when you've got no-

You can't eat when you've got NO DCB!
You can't eat when you've got NO DCB!
It's October the First, and you can't quench your thirst,
'Cause you've... got... no... cash... on... your... card...

ROOMMATE
("Crazy" by Britney Spears)

GIRLS: She drives me crazy, keeps me up all night!
Clippin' her toenails with her lamp on bright!
She is my roommate, but I think I'm stuck!
Next year please remind me not to go potluck.

I DON'T WANT TO GET UP
("I Don't Wanna Grow Up", the Toys 'r Us Jingle)

CHORUS: I don't want to get up, I want to sleep until noon.
But if I don't go to chapel I'll get kicked out of school!
Got fifteen skips, I've used twenty-six,
Got tardies and notes galore!
I don't want to get up, 'cause I adore
Getting to stay up until four!

STAYIN' AWAKE
("Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees)

CHORUS: Whether you're in chapel or whether you're in Bible
You're stayin' awake, stayin' awake
Feel the morning dawnin' and everybody yawnin'
You're stayin' awake, stayin' awake
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' awake, stayin' awake!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' awake!

I PLAY NINTENDO
("Graceland" by Paul Simon)

GUYS: They're havin' a big mixer, but here I am just loungin' in my room.
See I'm not so good with names so I would rather
Stay in here just sittin', playin' Doom.

I play Nintendo, Nintendo, just sittin' in my dormroom,
Play'n Nintendo!
I'm tired of minglin' so I would rather sit and play Nintendo.

NINTENDO FAST-BREAK
(The Mario Theme Song, sped up with a beat)

While the freshman guys maneuver giant controllers, the girls appear dressed as Marios to give us some fast-break Nintendo choreographing action.

FRESHMAN PARADISE
("Gangsta's Paradise " by Coolio)

CHORUS: As I walk to my dormroom, try to open my door,
I find it's stuck on some junk and realize there's not much floor,
Cuz I've got laundry and empty bags of Lays,
Heck, I've got a pizza box back from Labor Day.

I have showered once or twice
Livin' in a freshman paradise.
Some air fresh'ner might be nice,
Livin' in a freshman paradise.

PLEDGE WEEK
("The Old Yeller Theme" from Disney's Old Yeller )

CHORUS: Oh, Pledge Week! We love Pledge Week!
Best dog-gone week of the year!

Oh Pledge Week is a killer, a time-devourin' killer.
In other weeks you get to sleep at night.
If only my professor would make the burden lesser,
But he gives me tests out of spite!

Oh, Pledge Week! We love Pledge Week!
Please, major date, sign right here!

WHINE
("Shine" by Newsboys)

CHORUS: Trapped inside,
You can't abide
The kinda rules that'd motivate
A more sedated guy to fly
Out of Harbin,
But the door's all alarmin'.
You wanna say,
To your R.A., when did this school start calling
This coeducation?
Get sent to the dean
And make a scene
To complain about the rules.
You only wanna stay out 'til three
You only wanna watch an R-rated movie.
But when it seems you can't you start to rant and then you start to whine.

Whine. Make 'em wonder what you're on.
Make 'em wish that you were gone
To someone who wants to hear.
Whine. So you think there's stuff to do
Here in Searcy after two.
You'll think diff'rent in a year.

SPRING SING
("Memory" from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats )

CHORUS: Spring Sing! I should sign up for Spring Sing!
I don't want to miss anything, and I'm good on my feet.
If I do it, little do I know I won't have the time,
To do homework, or to eat.

Throw me! It's so easy to throw me!
Those could tell you who know me, I weigh just ninety-four.
If you throw me, I only hope that on the way down,
I'll hit arms and not the floor.

FRESHMAN DAYS
("Happy Days" Theme)

CHORUS: Impact, Bid Day, Freshman Days!
Harbin Devo, Freshman Days!
Pledge Week, Spring Sing, Freshman Days!
High school days yesterday,
Who needs to be mature?

These days are ours! Oh, Freshman Days!
These days are ours! Oh, Freshman Days!
The Freshman Days are mostly ours!
The Freshman Days are mostly ours, Freshman Days!

Some cute freshman girls walk by, their words blending with the final chord of the chorus...

GIRLS: Come see the softer side of Sears!

Songs for the Shantih 2005 Bowling Show
(Note: only the Chicago song and "Proud Mary" made it into the show)

"We're Goin' Bowlin'"
(The Cell Block Tango from Chicago)

We see six girls seated atop stools. We hear bowling sound effects in time with the beat. Then, they speak:

GIRLS, ONE AT A TIME, ON THE BEAT:
Strike!
Foul.
Spare.
Rack' em!
Gutterball.
Jukebox.
(repeat)

TOGETHER:
We're goin' bowlin'! We're goin' bowlin'!
We're gonna have ourselves some fun.
We're gonna play it! We're gonna like it
If we can't knock down a single one!

ONE GIRL, SPOKEN:
My husband told me that bowling is a manly man's sport. Girls, he said, just don't have the hand eye coordination. Hand eye coordination, ha! So he makes an easy spare and looks at me, like, beat that! So I take the ball, and I steel myself, and I proved my hand eye coordination. Before he even knew what happened I had completely edited. his. score!

TOGETHER:
We're goin' bowlin'! We're goin' bowlin'!
We're gonna try to hit a pin.
Cuz in the daytime, when we are ironing,
It's all they show on ESPN!

"Wanda Pepper's All-Girl Bowling Team"
("Sargeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by the Beatles)

The six girls run off stage as the curtain rises on the chorus behind them.

CHORUS:
It was twenty years ago, today,
Wanda Pepper taught the team to play.
It's been about a decade now,
So maybe they've forgotten how.
But let us introduce to you,
The masters of the ball and lane:
Wanda Pepper's All-Girl Bowling Team!

The team appears in bowling uniforms, to applause.

"Bowling Shoes"
("Coat of Many Colors" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)

The manager appears, as the chorus requests bowling shoes from him.

CHORUS:
Mr. Manager I'd like my size thirteens.

MANAGER:
No one's worn these shoes since nineteen seventeen.
Some special shoes,
I brought for you!
These shoes were all the rage!

CHORUS:
And when we had tried them on,
We knew our Gucci days were gone!
Such a lovely, lovely pair of bowling shoes!
How we love our lovely pairs of bowling shoes!
They were beige. (abrupt stop)

"This Lane"
("This Side" by Nickel Creek)

CHORUS:
I'm bowling on this side.
But it keeps landing over there. (points far to the side)
It turns two lanes too wide,
Then it flies through the air.

"Bowlin' With The Bumpers"
("Proud Mary" by Creedance Clearwater Revival)

Some little kids appear.

CHORUS:
Four-year-olds play at a party.
Scuffin' up the floor while they're runnin' wild.
Can't expect the ball to stay out of the gutters
When the ball weighs more than the entire child!

Small kids can still control it.
Get on your knees and roll it.
Bowlin'! Bowlin'! Bowlin' with the bumpers!

"The Cheating Song"
("There May Be Something There That Wasn't There Before" from Beauty and the Beast)

Everyone pairs off.

FIRST HALF:
I turned around, put on my specs,
I find the frame that was a 2 is now an X!
Two-hundred twelve,
Is not your score!
There may be something there that wasn't there before!

SECOND HALF:
I'm sure there's nothing there that wasn't there before!

FIRST HALF:
Oh yes there's something there that wasn't there before!

SECOND HALF:
So, I corrected errors!
But I'm sure that you would quite agree.
Bowling could not be fairer
If I maybe added just a strike or three!

"Livin' La Vida Bowling"
(Guess)

A girl dressed as a bowling pin appears.

CHORUS:
She's into ten-pin bowling,
Red rings around her neck.
She moves around by rolling.
Her shrink says she's a wreck.

She'll make you take your shoes off and go sliding down the lane.
Once you've seen the way she plays it's never just a game,
Like a twice-extended frame.

Strike, spare, red and white!
Livin' la vida bowling!
Psychadelic night!
Livin' la vida bowling!

This is followed by FAST BREAK with the lights off and glow sticks and such, indicating that psychadelic night has begun.

"Stand in the Bathroom"
("Stand Up for Jesus" . that's right, a hymn)

CHORUS:
Stand up, stand in the bathroom!
It's evident to see
The toilet is encrusted
In hepatitis B!

The smell is overwhelming!
The toilets all look full.
I'll wash my hands with acid
And scrub with steel wool.

"I'm Filling Up With Grease"
("I'm Turning Japanese" . you know, from the 80's)

The greasy snack bar chefs appear, loaded with vats of fat.

CHORUS:
I got your hot dogs! I got your french fries!
I got a million of 'em all in my gut.
I take Mylanta, maybe some Maalox!
I take a lot of drugs, man, I tell you what!
You've got me scarfin' food and eatin' meat and feelin' full and fillin' in-
I'm filling up with grease, I think I'm filling up with grease, I really think so!
(repeat)

"Give Grease a Chance"
("Give Peace a Chance")

CHORUS AND CHEFS:
All we are saying is give grease a chance!
All we are saying is give grease a chance!

"Closing Time" by Semisonic

MANAGER:
Closing time! Gather up your balls, I think it's time that you all went home!

"Close Every Lane to Me"
("Close Every Door to Me" from Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)

CHORUS:
Close every lane to me!
Keep all the pins from me!
Close down the snack bar,
And turn out the lights!

Do what you want with me!
I want to stay 'til three!
If I had my way I would bowl here all night!

If I stay here I know,
I can score three-oh-oh!
For we have been promised, a lane of OUR OWN!

MANAGER:
It's still closing time.